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finally

I finally installed Cakewalk on my actual computer tonight.  I've been running it on a VM off of an external hard drive for a couple of months now.  Why I didn't do this sooner I have no idea! 
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(no subject)

This week was going well... until it wasn't.  The past couple of days... not so much.

I'm not sure what would make me feel more comfortably tethered to this mortal coil.

The only thing I know for certain is that I increasingly feel forgotten and overlooked to the point of utter insignificance and irrelevance.  This year, as miserably as it began and continued, ends shortly fortunately; and the decade, for all its up and downs, ends as well, taking with it the few things that made it tolerable.

For three decades I have sought and have yet to find any sort of safe or comfortable space in this world.  The times I have thought I had have only proved elusory at best.  I begin to fear that is forever the case.
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(no subject)

Sometimes I feel like there's this massive disconnect I can't adequately express.

So few of my interactions are ever superficial.  I've never had casual relations. I don't have conversations that aren't of significance really. Every conversation I have is about something, for me at least. If I talk to someone for more than a minute, then years later I'll still continually think about that person even if they've faded away and wonder how they're doing and even look them up if possible. If I've invested more than a moment of my time, then there's a reason I've done so, and it has significance more than just passing to me. But I find most people do not work in the same fashion.
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(no subject)

I definitely try to connect with the people on a daily basis, usually friends or family, rarely an awesome moment with a complete stranger.

But even in those moments I frequently feel like something is missing.  It's difficult to sufficiently articulate.  Maybe it's a moment too fleeting.  Maybe there's an unspoken reluctance.  Maybe it's just simply a chasm of lived experience.  But too rarely do I get a sense of meaningful, engaging, fully gratifying connection.  Maybe I just expect too much.

Most days I feel hungry for a meaningful dialogue more than anything else: a serious, probing, candid conversation.  I frequently feel starved in terms of deep intellectual or emotional engagement.  Even in my best moments, with a willing and enthusiastic interlocutor throwing ideas back and forth, I've yet to meet someone who matches my stamina and always find myself the last person standing -- or the last person awake, as it were.  I don't know.  I just usually feel like there's some type of profound mismatch.

Perhaps to my detriment, I've similarly never fully grasped or felt a struggle for intimacy or honesty.  I'd rather jump immediately to controversial topics or to one's most traumatic moments because those are the most revealing and the most formative.  I've never really understood the desire to hide or suppress one's true self, which isn't the norm in a world of small talk and superficiality. 
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(no subject)

Nothing lasts forever.

I can't believe the summer is over.
Another two months gone.

This year has been such a blur, little of it good. 
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(no subject)

Weird.  I don't entirely remember writing my last few entries.  I do, but I don't.  Everything was literally a blur to the point of everything just blending together.

Today was the first time in I don't know when that I had more than a minute to regroup, so I took a bit of time to close some of the browser tabs I had open.  While I yet have over sixty open, I've so far closed nearly a dozen.  Several were from the fourth week of April, a few I have almost no recollection of.  It feels like normalcy just somehow stopped at the end of April and I've been living in a sort of fugue state ever since.

Everything just seems a stream of work, cooking, cleaning, dishes, and end-of-life affairs.  It's like the past two months just disappeared or never happened.  It's weird to think that's time irrecoverable.  Hopefully things will settle.  I can't believe it's basically already July.

What a year.
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(no subject)

Dreamt about the hospice place again last night.  Maybe after this weekend I can finally get some rest.  Then again... I doubt that will suddenly and magically happen, given eveything else going on.

This year is like all of the unpleaasantness of previous years all rolled into one.